My CV

Profile
An energetic over-achiever, I have been striving to get a job in TV ever since I was a glint in my father's furry eye and have just fulfilled my ambitions being appointed as Assistant Head of Stuff for Virgin 1!

Experience

2007 - Annus horribilis
Best left unmentioned to be honest, but that's just between me and (Deleted - Ed)

2005 - Executive towel monitor
We all like to do our bit for charity so for Live8 I lent my considerable skills to the task of looking after the towels that would eventually mop the brow of Johnny Borrell of Razorlight.

2003 Cola launch
Off the back of the record's success (see below) I launched my own brand of Cola (strictly limited to the Teesside area). I modeled the shape of the bottle on the gorgeous Lisa Riley, seminal host of You've Been Framed, but the production costs almost broke me as the bottles cost a whopping £7 each to produce!

2002 - Chief photocopier
OK, that's an exaggeration, I was chief photocopying 'assistant' on Popstars: The Rivals, where I first laid my eyes on Nicola Just Red (or Roberts as she is currently known) from Girls Aloud. I made her tea every day for three months – my first media job!

2001 Record label
Following the success of my mail order business (see below) I decided to diversify into the recorded music market and released a surprise hit instrumental album of chime music by the Cheeky Girls. It stayed in the US charts for 500 weeks: Boobular Belles!

2000 Mail order business
Following in the footsteps of my hero Richard Branson, I started my own mail order music company but decided I should update it by offering mail order downloads from the internet. It didn't catch on.

1999 Butlins
Was an 18-30s holiday rep for one day and later applied for a job as a Red Coat at Butlins but got rejected as they said the colour washed me out.

Education
University of State, City, State — Degree, Year

Skills
Excellent communication skills IT skills (Gameboy advanced, V+) Photocopying Towel folding

Referrals
Available on request (Mother, Richard Branson and Roland Rat).